


Alone with a Heart

by Lichterin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, But only a bit, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Sam and Dean's first anniversary, Suicidal Thoughts, Wincest Writing Challenge, but set during that time where Dean is in hell, slightly suicidal Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 09:41:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14494176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lichterin/pseuds/Lichterin
Summary: Dean is dead and two months later is a special day. Some people would call it 'anniversary' and 'happy'. Sam is alone.





	Alone with a Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Wincest Writing Challenge Round 18 (relationship milestones). My prompt was "first anniversary". And here it is

The tears are streaming down his cheeks. He stopped brushing them away a long time ago - no use in that - they come and go as they please, and the fact that he cries more than on his first days at Stanford isn’t lost on him. Missing Dean like crazy should feel like second nature by now, and yet.

Sam takes another pull straight out of the bottle of Jack.

It’s been over two months now. He lost count of how many days exactly. Doesn’t dare to count, the rise of the numbers too much to bear. One and two and three more days that have been added to the time he has spent without Dean, to the time Dean has been in hell. For him.

But he knows the date. He knows how many days have passed. Not the number of days since Dean has been ripped apart and dragged into the depths of hell, but since they-- he takes another gulp.

It’s been exactly one year since they got together _like that_. Since they admitted their feelings for each other, kissed, had sex… It had been a long time coming and Sam was the first to stop pretending he didn’t see it, that it hadn’t been inevitable anyways. 

God, he wishes he would have said something sooner. But now it’s just another thing to add to his regrets.

Sams throat closes up and he has trouble keeping the bile down as, again, images from the moment Dean-- with his chest in shreds and the blood--

“Fuck!” He groans and rubs his face with his palms. He’s thinking about it again. He grabs the empty bottle and throws it against the brittle wood planks that make up the wall. It doesn’t break, his throw uncoordinated and weak. Somehow, that frustrates him even more.

He pushes himself up from the worn couch and staggers to the table where he kept the alcohol in a cooler, knowing today he would need it more than ever. His steps were reeling off-course a tiny bit before he self-corrects and grabs another bottle. Beer.

Sam presses it against his forehead, savouring the relief and getting sick at himself for it. He’s not worthy of relief. He failed to save Dean, how could he be?

He takes a seat at the table and doesn’t open the bottle, puts it back into the cooler. Then, he closes his eyes against the headache that starts forming.

Anniversaries. No. They don’t do anniversaries. He didn’t do that with Jess, and Dean wasn’t someone to celebrate either. A first anniversary was something where you went out with your partner. To a fancy restaurant, and bought them flowers, maybe a present. That wasn’t them. Besides, he knows Dean would’ve only laughed at him if he had tried anything like that, right?

The realization strikes him that he doesn’t. He swallows. He doesn’t know him like that. Dean is the person he knows best in the world but he will never know him like he could have if they’d only had the time. His heart turns cold as it sets in.

This is their first anniversary and Sam wishes for nothing more than to be able to do those things. Hear Dean calling him a chick and laugh with him at some kitschy roses Sam picked specifically to be laughed at. They would kiss anyways and have a good time, even if it wouldn’t be any different from the day before or the day before…

Except they didn’t even get that. The knowledge of Dean’s upcoming death had always loomed over them. They tried to ignore it at times, but they’d never been able to shake it off even for a moment.

Sam stares off, his gaze catching the duffle bag with the weapons he took inside. He should have tried harder to save Dean when he was still alive. Now he doesn’t even have a plan to get him back.

His phone vibrates on the table and Sam jumps out of his thoughts. He looks at it until his eyes focus. An incoming call. Ruby. He rejects it.

Revenge on Lilith seems pointless all of a sudden. It won’t bring Dean back either. He should just let her kill him. Or better yet, spare her the fight and bring it over with himself. They could be both in hell. How can together in hell be worse than alone up here? Only together would this be a true anniversary.

He shakes that thought off, that’s not what Dean would want and that’s not what he deserves either. Dean deserves to live, he doesn’t deserve a brother who makes his sacrifice worthless by dying too.

Taking the car keys - Dean’s car keys - he stumbles out of the shabby house and into the Impala. He shouldn’t drive, probably.

He takes a breath to try and clear his head but it’s not like he cares. He puts the key into the ignition and starts Dean’s Baby. The Impala’s purr seems sadder than usual.

~

He’s leaning against a tree by the makeshift grave, hands in his pockets. Everything is spinning, not sure if from the alcohol or bumping against the trees while running here.

When he feels like he might stay upright by himself he takes the last steps towards the grave, collapsing onto his knees directly over where his brother is buried. He stares at the cross marking the place.

He feels empty. Used up his last energy, can’t even muster up the strength to move anymore. His eyes drop.

“Happy first-,” his voice breaks at the ‘happy’. He swallows and carries on. “Happy first anniversary, Dean,” Sam whispers finally, placing the roses on the ground.

Down in the pit, Dean screams his name.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from a song:  
> Alone with a Heart by Jacqui Dankworth


End file.
